Marj Merges Beautiful. Honest. You. {and me}

Life Happens

Photo by Steve Conry.

I realized recently (like today) that my blog has become more “look at these pretty pictures” than me actually writing how I feel.  And that’s not what I want.  Or that’s not who I am.  I am more than those pretty pictures I took.

So today I’m going to take a little break from those pretty pictures and let you in on a little secret.  A secret that was really distracting me for a while and that suddenly isn’t there anymore.  And that’s distracting in its own way.  Why am I doing this?  Because I believe sincerely for myself that I would have liked to actually know someone who went through this before I did.  Someone my age.  Because I assumed at 29 that I was young and I wouldn’t have any problems.  I was wrong.  And looking around at my friends all I saw were people who got pregnant and sailed smoothly along from there.  Or at least it seemed smooth enough.  Sadly, that’s not me.  I will have to go through the emotional (and physical) pain of a miscarriage and muster the courage to try again.  Why did it happen?  Probably no particular reason.  No particular reason than that we got unlucky.  Or that’s what we hope.

So that’s my little secret.  A secret I’m going to try hard not to overanalyze because at this point I think it might make me crazy to do so.  Because until it happens again there’s no reason to believe there’s anything wrong with me or with Eric or that I did something wrong.  But it’s still really sad.  And really frustrating.  And I wish I could wish it away and magically get a healthy baby in there.  It was kind of cruel the first night we knew waking up over and over and realizing again and again this was not a bad dream, this was reality.  This was the reality we lived in.  I hope that one day the knowledge of my own pain and miscarriage can help another woman.  To know that it’s okay if you didn’t know before you saw the baby two weeks too small without a heartbeat on the ultrasound.  Because really, I didn’t know.  It’s okay you can’t explain why you’re crying so much.

I’m grateful for what I do have.  A truly wonderful husband.  A husband who reminded me yet again this week why it was such a great idea to marry him.  I’m lucky to have him by my side.

Later this week I’ll get back to those pretty pictures.

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